I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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