dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
