hotel room ftw
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
