I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
