i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I have fence marks all over my body
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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