Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
