Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
