we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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