dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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