why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
