I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
