Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
