Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
