Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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