I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
