I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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