i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
