Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
