When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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