I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
