Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
