i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
