I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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