I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
