why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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