I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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