It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
