So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
