Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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