I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
