So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize