I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
