Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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