just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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