i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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