I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
