He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
