When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My ATM looks so different sober.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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