I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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