Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize