they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
