T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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