The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
