What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
