so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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