Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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