I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
