I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
