I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize