you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So squirting runs in the family.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
