Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
