Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
