I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
