the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
