i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
