My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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