It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
