Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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