New low: just hacked my moms facebook
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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