My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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